Bye Bye OC

17 Jun

No point in beating around the bush: I’m moving. I gave living in OC a decent try for almost two years, but this summer I will be moving to Los Angeles.

I think I romanticized this idea of “hometown girl makes good”: moving back to ultra-conservative Orange County and being part of the progressive movement that celebrates and understands what we love about this place while pushing for policies that are more inclusive and just. But it turns out that strategy doesn’t work when you don’t like where you live, and you spend very little time there, and you don’t really know anyone and you’re poop at making friends, and you’re bitter, jaded, and guarded.

(“Guarded” was a new revelation for me. Well, not so much a revelation as someone I’m close to told me point blank that I’m guarded.)

Not that leaving Orange County will change those things about me, but it’s worth a try.

I also don’t want to feel like I failed. It was such a big move for me and I wanted it to work. Moving to LA feels like I’ve given up. But, to be honest, I can tell that I never fully committed to OC (apparently, it’s hard to fully commit to something when you’re bitter, jaded, and guarded) and I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up for that – for moving and wanting but still not committing.

I kept trying to fix it. And then one day I realized that I couldn’t fix it. And when you stop focusing so much on solving the problem, you’re forced to step back and just sit with your feelings. Frankly, my feelings told me that I wasn’t happy, and I that I couldn’t problem-solve my way out of it (or simply distract myself, which is what I’ve been doing with these 35-day activities). That what I was feeling and experiencing just is. And the two options before me were to learn to accept it or leave.

I’ve chosen the latter. I am terrified, relieved, excited, and wracked with guilt. Wish me luck!

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3 Responses to “Bye Bye OC”

  1. vietnamita1 June 17, 2013 at 11:30 pm #

    proud of you, sis. I especially appreciate this post because of its honesty about how simply hard it is to do make big changes, and risk losing what we have, even if we know we want more. i’m rooting for you, and rooting for me, and rooting for all of us, as we figure it out.

  2. Karen P June 18, 2013 at 11:53 pm #

    Good luck! Let’s catch up soon. You are in my thoughts and I’m proud of you for making a change to pursue your happiness.

  3. Dolores June 19, 2013 at 2:38 am #

    How are you a failure? How are you bitter or jaded? You took a leap of faith, a risk a chance – those are signs of strength, and grace, and hope. You tried it, and it wasn’t the right fit -how else do we learn about ourselves and our lives unless we attempt something – finding out it wasn’t right is called growth. And guarded, well, I think being careful where you lend your heard, or careful with how you share yourself is wise. AND i think you are shy not poop at making new friends.

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