Rediscovery Over Stability

7 Jul

I’m a routine kind of gal. I can eat the same thing for breakfast every day for months (rolled oats with soy milk, raisins, and cinnamon). I’ve been running around the same lake in the same direction for years. I still have clothes I wore in high school. My apartment looks the same as it did when I moved in 4 years ago.

Maintaining the same routines and patterns, to me, means certainty and stability. For others, it likely means boring. But that’s okay. If you want a fun and wild night, I’m not the person to turn to. If you need some food and a place to sleep, I’m always here.

But even a gal like me has to change sometimes. The only way I’m able to make major changes in my life is to physically uproot myself. Moving from Orange County to the Bay Area, leaving campus for Oakland, starting from scratch in China.

People think it’s brave of me. But, actually, I’m not brave at all – which is why I have to make changes in this way. I’m quite the opposite of fearless in my daily life. If I want to do something bold, I have to make an event of it. So even though packing up and moving for love sounds like the act of someone who’s ready to go for it, it’s actually the desperate act of someone who doesn’t know how to force herself to change in any other way. Ironically dramatic for a pretty undramatic person.

bell hooks wrote:
“Whenever I finish a work, I always feel lost, as though a steady anchor has been taken away and there is no sure ground under my feet. During the time between ending one project and beginning another, I always have a crisis of meaning. I begin to wonder what my life is all about and what I have been put on this earth to do. It is as though immersed in a project I lose all sense of myself and must then, when the work is done, rediscover who I am and where I am going.”

I know that I will choose the comfortable and stable life even if it’s uninspiring. So I force “crises of meaning” upon myself in order to grow. I hope one day to grow into a person who embraces this process of rediscovery, who can integrate it into their daily life without the drama. I’m not a brave person but perhaps one day I will be.


2 Responses to “Rediscovery Over Stability”

  1. Tram Nguyen July 17, 2011 at 10:28 am #

    This is so insightful, Priscilla. I think we share some of these same tendencies 🙂 I’m so glad you’re writing this blog and glad I came by – love hearing about life changes. Good luck! – Tram

    • cil1977 July 18, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

      Thanks, Tram! You’ve had a lot of life changes, too! I love reading your little snippets on Facebook. 🙂

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