Finding the Way

23 Jun

With increasing anxieties around my decision to leave my job and move to Orange County, I’ve spent the past 6 months searching for ways I could get clarity to make the right choices.

Jogging around Lake Merritt had been my go-to activity (method #1). I could work through my problems in my head and usually end my runs feeling much clearer. But it didn’t work this time around. I found myself analyzing my situation over and over, having circular conversations with myself.

I saw a psychic healer (method #2) and she told me to stop thinking. She said I was trying to analyze my way to an answer but that it just doesn’t work that way. She encouraged me to start feeling. I thought she was brilliant, but then I just found myself analyzing whether or not I was experiencing feelings.

Several of my friends meditate and I decided to try it (method #3). I went to the East Bay Meditation Center in Oakland, sat, tried to focus, and didn’t really get it. Then I read that it takes years to learn to quiet the brain and even then most people are only successful for a few seconds. A few seconds? Uh-uh.

I got back into yoga (method #4), which my teacher calls moving meditation. During my favorite class at Monkey Yoga Shala in Oakland, I really only can focus on my breath, my body, and the present. I can only think from second to second, drenched in sweat, begging my body to just hold a little longer. I leave class more calm, a little sore, and a bit more joyful – but with no greater clarity on my situation.

A group that I’m a part of was holding its annual retreat and they decided to devote a whole weekend to wellness (method #5). Perfect timing! We made meals and broke bread, went on walks, practiced yoga, went through exercises on listening and forgiveness, and created life plans for ourselves. I got clarity on part of my situation and actually did something about it. Getting closer!

During the retreat, one of the members offered to do goddess card readings (method #6). I pulled four cards and they all said the same thing: “It is time to nurture wholeness by accepting, acknowledging, and expressing your feelings.” Lots of wholeness, dark/light, expressing parts of myself that I’m uncomfortable with. Okay, the message is clear, but I still don’t know how to do that.

I already explained that I’m blogging to force myself to reflect (method #7). And on this first day of vacation (method #8), I changed tactics by not thinking about it at all. I went for a bike ride by the beach, got a pedicure, and watched reruns of “Bones” on TV.

I’m starting to think that there’s no “way” and there’s no “answer”. I just need to be a little kinder to myself, a little more patient. And just trust that I’ll be fine.

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